Opening Up...

Hello loves, welcome back!

I'm slowly trying to get back into writing & blogging. For awhile, I've just felt "stuck." I don't really know how to describe it or why its taken so much out of me to put my fingers to the keyboard, but I'm trying & today I want to open up about a dark period of time in my life. I haven't talked about this much & it scares me to do so, but I am here to be real and raw and show you that life isn't perfect everyday. With that being said, here we go!

For those of you that don't know my story, I will link a past blog post discussing it. Long story short, I lost a lot of weight due to various health issues that went unanswered by doctors for what felt like forever. I was weak. I was small. I was restricting myself because everything I put in my body seemed to impact it negatively. I was losing additional weight because I was dealing with loads of stress and anxiety on top of this already trialing time. It was messy. It was scary. It was terrible. I was at my lowest of lows.

You might be wondering, why am I telling you this if I've already discussed it and opened up about it? I've talked about the struggles I personally encountered but I never really talked about the effect or strain it placed on my friends, family, relationships, etc. I don't like to think about it much because honestly it makes me sad. That time period feels like such a blur. I missed out on a lot. I not only lost a lot during that time, but some of that stress and strain has carried into the present & created some hard aftermath.

We all face struggles and I truly believe we are never handed anything we can't overcome. It often feels like the complete opposite though, especially at the time you are dealing with hardship. The struggles I encountered over the last two years have most certainly shaped me in ways I never thought possible. I am stronger. I am more appreciative. It has created drive and passion in areas I never expected. As hard as that time period was, it did leave me with some positive aspects. However, back to the main point. It left strain and struggles on those around me.

To my friends. I missed out socially. I isolated myself. I felt alone. I felt hopeless. I watched from the outside as you all went out and did fun things. I watched you go to restaurants and eat freely. I watched you go to the bar and dance the night away. I watched you do these things while I sat at home in bed, curled up in a ball, wondering when the h*** I was dealing with would be over. I went pro-longed periods of time without talking to people that had meant so much to me my entire life. If any of you are reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry for missing out on so much. I hope you understand. I hope you know that it wasn't because I didn't want to. Sometimes the things you are facing feel like too much to handle. Isolating myself felt easier. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. It felt easier than fighting the waves of anxiety I would face otherwise. I am sorry, but just know that I am thankful for each and every one of you that stuck around, that checked in, and that loved me no matter what.

To my family. I am sorry for worrying you. I am sorry for all the times I was short tempered when you were only trying to help, the times I may have missed out on when we were all together, the times I struggled to find something to eat at the family dinner because I was scared to offset my stomach or body in the slightest. I am sorry, but I want you to know how thankful I am. I feel blessed to know I had/have such a support system behind me. Thank you for always keeping me in the back of your mind and making sure there was something for me at the dinner table. Thank you for taking me to countless doctors even when they said nothing was wrong. Thank you for trusting me in knowing something was off with my body. Thank you for investing your time and money into fighting with me so that I could find peace and relief in order to get my life back. There will never be enough thank you's to give out to you guys. I love you with my whole heart.

To my boyfriend at the time. I would have NEVER in a million years made it through this without you. Thank you for sacrificing your happiness at times to make sure I was okay. Thank you for spending nights in with me when I was curled up in a ball in bed. Thank you for being my voice when I was too scared to speak up. Thank you for loving me at my weakest and celebrating with me at my strongest. Thank you for believing in me every single day, especially the days I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for being my accountability and being sure I was doing what I needed to do to be okay. Thank you for spending your free time searching for answers. I will never forget the time I woke up from sleeping and you were on your phone researching ways to help me get better. Thank you for investing your money in my first coach in order to heal my body and mind. It changed my life. You and your family gave me a home away from home, a place to feel okay and at ease. You fought with me every single day, thank you. I want you to know that I am sorry for the times I neglected you or made you feel less important during this time. I am sorry that I wasn't always in the right state of mind to help you and comfort you when you needed it the most. I am sorry for losing sight of us and our relationship at times. I am sorry, but please know I am so thankful and forever grateful because without you, I wouldn't be where I am today. I will always love and appreciate you.

You see, when you going through something that feels too hard to handle, it's easy to lose sight of what's right in front of you. It's easy to lose hope in everything and stray from what matters the most. Those trialing times took a toll on more than just me. It was always more than me. Sometimes we forget that. We are so deep in our own struggles that we forget what surrounds us. We forget those who love us. We forget our purpose. We don't want to burden others with our struggles so we try and carry the weight of everything ourselves.

Looking back, I am sad. I wish I would've saw it all sooner. I wish I would've spent more time appreciating those that were trying to help instead of trying to face it all on my own. I wish that I would have let myself enjoy the present while I was aimlessly searching for answers because isolating myself only made things more difficult.

I've spent a lot of time wishing things were different. Wishing I could go back and change things. Wishing I could make up for lost time. Wishing I could go back and appreciate what was right in front of me. It's also important to understand it's not that I didn't appreciate the people or things around me... I was so incredibly lost, scared, and wrapped up in my own world of struggles that I lost sight of telling/showing the people closest to me how much I loved them and truly appreciated them.

Acceptance. I can't go back in time. I can't make up for lost memories or moments. I can't change the way I unintentionally mistreated the people that matter the most to me. What can I do? I CAN & WILL make the conscious effort every day moving forward to live my best life and practice being my best self. I will spend every day telling the people who matter to me how much I love them and appreciate them. I will take the extra half an hour to call and keep in touch with family back home. I will go out and be spontaneous if given the opportunity. I will spend time with friends and create new relationships. I will adventure. I will spend time appreciating the little things. I will make sure that I never let my struggles define me or dictate my life again.

If you are someone that is going through a trialing time, it WILL be okay. You CAN overcome this and it doesn't have to be on your own. If you are currently isolating yourself and shutting out the people who are just trying to help, don't make the same mistake I did. Let people in. Let them help you. Let yourself be vulnerable. I know it's hard to keep a positive outlook, but it will be okay, friend!! Keep faith. Keep going. Let the people trying to help know that you appreciate them and love them. It matters. It counts. They know you are struggling. They know you are hurting, but it doesn't mean you should lose sight of those people themselves.

Fight hard. Don't give up until you find answers. Don't stop fighting for yourself. Let the people who love you fight with you. The more people who you have fighting with you and rooting for you, the less alone you are going to feel. You are never alone. You are loved. You are worthy. You are strong as heck. Don't forget that.

Sending my love to anyone that needs it right now,

-Mik 

PSA: My DM's and email are always open. Don't hesitate to reach out. If you need someone, I've got you <3 .