YOU determine the outcome of tomorrow...

I’ve started to write this post more times than I can count. I think this will be the one I actually finish. This will be the post that won’t sit in my draft folder for days, weeks, heck even months until I eventually forget it existed altogether.  If I am being completely honest, my creative juices haven’t been flowing in months (like since October – maybe even longer, eeep). Normally I am good with words. If I can’t explain myself thoroughly through conversation, I can always convey my thoughts with a piece of pen and paper (or keys on a computer lol).

The truth is, my life has been a rollercoaster for quite some time and I’ve been avoiding admitting that to myself for a while. Not because I want to be perfect. Not because I feel like I can’t handle it, but because there are things in my life right now that I am having a very hard time confronting, Things I am scared to face because the odds may not be in my favor.

2018 was a really hard year. It was a trialing one. It was a year of growth. This was my first real year “adulting.” I know, I know, you’re probably thinking WE ALL GOTTA DO IT at some point. Yes, while that is true, it doesn’t make it any less difficult. I decided to take a gap year in school. One reason being to establish residency to save my future self from a boatload of student debt. Another reason being, I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do in terms of a future career. I have passions and I have ideas but am still very unsure of my exact path (which Is very normal for a lot of people & not the end of the world). However, this means my financial aid no longer helps me pay my rent while I attend school. This also means that I now have to start paying off student loans. Along with my groceries. Necessities. Fund the things that still take care of my mental health and make me happy. "YEAH YEAH PITY ME, PITY ME" is probably what you are thinking. It's okay if you are. I don't necessarily blame you, but hey, I am just being real with yah. That's what I am here for after all. I am telling you it's not uncommon to be like WTF, I AM A NERVOUS WRECK every now and then. It's okay to let yourself feel fear or uncertainty. We all have to at one point or another (and it is something that'll likely reoccur through many of life's obstacles). I am extremely blessed with a family that is helping me the best they can and for that I am forever grateful, but that doesn’t make the financial stress go away completely.  I know that I will make it through because I will go to the means necessary and work hard to do so. Money isn’t everything but yah still gotta have it survive, yah know?

My financial burdens are not all of what is hindering my life right now though. Emotionally this past year took a toll. It was a year that brought self-doubt, loss, sadness, anxiety, it was a year that taught me the ones who want to be in your life will stay and others will leave, it was a year that tested my internal strength, it was a year of very low low’s, but it was also a year that brought some of the highest high’s; hence why it was an emotional rollercoaster.

I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout these trialing times. I’ve learned that not everything has an explanation. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes things are out of our control. Sometimes we simply have to take a situation and move forward even if it feels like something is missing. Sometimes we are dealt cards that feel very unfair. Our strength is sometimes tested beyond what we believed our limits to be. Sometimes the path we are on feels hopeless, endless, dark and scary.

Without low’s there wouldn’t be highs. Without experiences, we wouldn’t learn from our mistakes and failures. Without growth, we wouldn’t understand where we are destined to go or who we are meant to be. Situations won’t always make sense in the exact moment. We will often find ourselves asking why or questioning them for a while after, BUT somewhere along our life journey they start to pan out. The hard times begin to make sense. Those trialing times led us to something more, they led us to where we were meant to go all along, they guide us into newfound strengths, allow us to explore new things, meet new people and encompass new relationships.

I tell you these things because it can be so hard to put them into perspective at the time. Those devastating times don’t seem any easier even if eventually they hold a greater purpose. We were all put on this earth for a reason. We all hold unique qualities. We are all beautiful in our very own way. We are all working towards manifesting our own destiny. Although the journey holds pain, heartache, & confusion, it is a journey that we must not take for granted and one we must give ourselves grace for along the way.

We are all human in a sense that we will make mistakes. Some leaving us empty handed. Some altering our course completely. We will also find ourselves in times of great success and immense happiness. In those times, it’s so important to stay present and to soak up every moment. It’s important to value them and appreciate them because they will not last forever. It may seem like we have a lifetime, but memories only come once, not everyone will stay in your life indefinitely, and things can change on a whim without an explanation. Life is short. Take every situation as an experience, one that may not be there for an extended period of time. We as individuals often find ourselves regretting, reminiscing, and wishing we would’ve went about situations differently after we have lost them. We only realize how good something may have been until it’s no longer ours. Something I wish would change and that we would all stop doing altogether in the first place.

2019 started similar to how 2018 ended. We just approached month two of the new year and I still feel so lost. I still find that I am embedding myself in situations or people that don’t necessarily serve me. I find myself latching on and wishing or hoping for a different outcome. Just know you are not alone and it’s not wrong to admit feeling weak or to come to terms with the fact that you are struggling. You will not always be on your “A game” and you will not always feel on top of the world. 

It’s time that I ask myself what I want 2019 to be. I encourage you to do the same if you are finding yourself in a similar position. It’s time to stop ignoring my struggles. It’s time to start moving forward, to find myself, and to feel free again. It’s time to start making my dreams a reality and to keep working until I find my niche. Excuses made up the last few months. I found myself asking “why” more than “how.” Instead I should be asking, how can I make my life better? How can I create and instill positivity in my daily routine? How can I be a better person for me and those around me? How can I get where I want to go?

“Why me” is a form of defeat, a method of pity and self loathing. Change can’t happen within our pity parties. Change won’t come from wallowing in our sorrows or remaining in situations that are no longer serving us. Change isn’t always easy to accept and change comes in various forms. Some changes take longer than others. Sometimes you have to experience a few (or a lot) of bumps in the road until you reach your final destination. Searching endlessly won’t always leave you with answers. Sometimes there is simply no rhyme or reason for the way things play out. Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up and move on. Other times, you have to stop, think, and determine if the fight and struggles are worth it and if they will eventually pay off leading you to where you want to go. YOU decide what is worth fighting for. YOU decide what is worth your time and what is not. YOU determine the outcome.  No one has a perfect stack of cards dealt to them all of the time. Life gets messy. Life gets complicated. Life won’t always leave us feeling satisfied or fulfilled. That’s the beauty of it.

At the end of the day, you will end up where you are supposed to be. We all will. The path won’t always be linear and it’ll likely feel hard as hell some days. You don’t have to have it all figured out. No one does. You don’t have to be sure of everything 100% of the time. You don’t have to drive yourself crazy thinking of every possible outcome. You don’t have to feel alone in your struggles. You are simply on your own beautiful, messy lifelong journey. We all are.

So, if you take anything away from this post, let it be that no matter the struggles or obstacles you are facing right now, remember that they are NOT forever. Know that you WILL find your way. Know that you will be OKAY. Know that you will have days where you feel like you can’t keep going but you CAN. No matter how 2018 ended or how 2019 started, you have the ability to change how you finish today, how you choose to approach tomorrow and all of the days following. You are strong. You are worthy. You are wonderful. You are talented. You’ve got this friend. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Just keep pushing through the hard days, cherishing the good ones, and staying present through the in between.

Life is tough, but you are tougher (and so am I).

All my love,

Mik