The Uncontrollable

Do you ever feel overcome with frustration or anger when something unexpected happens that changes the entirety of your plans? Do you start to wonder why it’s happening to you? What you may have done to deserve it? Why it feels like the world is against you?

Sometimes we let our emotions get the best of us. We wallow in self-pity. Self-doubt. We become angry. Frustrated. Enraged. Sometimes we take these emotions out on other people. We allow ourselves to act out of control and without thought. We’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s really hard to keep it together. It’s hard to let it go or play it off as being uncontrollable, when in that moment you really just want to SCREAM and let out your frustration.

I have come really far with how I react to situations. A few years ago, heck even last year I would allow my emotions and thoughts to get the best of me. I would react poorly. I would wallow in self-pity. I made everyone around me feel miserable with my actions. I felt miserable, shouldn’t they too? I’m not heartless by any means so please don’t take what I am saying that way. I just had a very straightforward and un-adjustable mindset. If something didn’t go my way, OH MAN… watch out. I was going to let everyone know it. Looking back, I hate that side of me. I hate how I didn’t have the ability to accept change or react in a more positive manner to situation’s out of my control.

I started writing this blog post because the other day I caught a glimpse of my past self. I caught a glimpse of the girl who made everyone else around her feel miserable because of a change in plans. I reacted negatively to a situation that was out of my control, my parents control, everyone’s control!! It was a situation that no one could do anything about and I knew that. I knew that no matter how much I cried or made everyone else around me know I was upset, nothing was going to change. It was simply said and done. I just couldn’t get past that though. I hated that I had no control over the situation. I cried myself to sleep as I allowed my self-pity to overtake me. I was hopeful that the next day would be better and work more in my favor.

Wrong. I was tested a second time the following day. The uncontrollable happened yet again. It hit me, just like that. Previously eager and excited, back to frustrated and downright miserable all in the matter of a few minutes. What did I do the second time around? You’re probably thinking I dealt with this situation a little better than the first. In a sense, yes, I did. But, I still resorted to self-pity. I still let my emotions get the best of me and allowed an overwhelming amount of anxiety and stress to overtake me.

Uncontrollable moments. They test us. They’re a real-life indicator of how strong we are, how much we can handle, and how we react when faced with adversity. Most of us struggle to see the good side of these situations, myself included. I have always struggled with the uncontrollable. I plan. I like structure. I need routine. I hate when things change. Something I’ve been working on, but still struggle with. OCD. I have a really hard time adjusting to something other than what I have been planning for or looking forward to. In my mind, I can’t get past it or see why it didn’t work out. I’ve learned to find some leeway and adjust accordingly with time. It’s hard to break habits or change your ways when you’ve been accustomed to them for so long. In my case, I thrive off of structure and a plan. Not a good thing in situations like so. Scratch that. Actually, many situations. Why? Because plans can often change. Things come up. Routine is nice, but doesn’t always stick. Change is all around us. It’s never-ending.

Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Why do we all look at change as the devil? Why is the uncontrollable so scary? How can it affect the entirety of my mood so easily? If I had definite answers to any of those questions I probably wouldn’t be here typing up this particular post. I’m going to try my absolute best to wrap my head around it and come out with a few personal conclusions, not just for myself but for anyone who struggles with the uncontrollable or change as a whole.

I think the uncontrollable and change scares us so much because, well… we simply cannot control them. That’s obvious. However, I think we often thrive off of control as a whole because we like to know how things will end up. We devise a plan. We supervise and oversee it. We want to make sure everything is in order so that the overall plan is carried out in the most effective manner. Then comes the uncontrollable, out of nowhere. It causes disarray. The plan is ruined. Everything is all out of order. It causes fear. Frustration. Anger. Sadness. All kinds of emotions. We are so overwhelmed, we allow those things to overtake us. It’s as if someone else has taken over our body and we are just there. It’s like we are under some sort of spell. At least, that’s how it feels for me. I never feel in control. I immediately regret all of my emotions and actions afterwards. Fear. Fear. Fear. The uncontrollable changes the course of something and that downright SCARES us as individuals.

Everything happens for a reason. A cliché saying. Something I truly believe in though. Often, something I forget to remember during the uncontrollable moments. Something I continually have to remind myself of post-uncontrollable moments. It creates calmness and a sense of ease, at least for a short period of time.  

I wholeheartedly believe that we are each given obstacles and adversaries in order to release our true strength and guide us to where we are supposed to be in life or in that particular moment. At the time, it seems as if the world is against you. You wonder why these burdens are being placed on you. Not burdens. Challenges. They challenge us to face our weaknesses. They challenge us to break free of the norm and get out of our comfort zones. They encourage us to conquer fears and instill hope and faith. The uncontrollable insists we face these obstacles for a greater purpose.

The uncontrollable is a tricky thing. It’s a real test of patience. It is downright frustrating, but each and every one of us must face obstacles and learn to overcome them. Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone faces moments of doubt and that sense of lost control. It’s normal. It’s life. The best thing we can do is be open to change. We can welcome those uncontrollable moments. We must reflect on how it may serve us in a positive manner, rather than think of all the hateful or negative aspects.

I am a work in progress. I am always evolving. I am using situations such as the uncontrollable to aid in self-growth. I hope you all took something out of this. I hope it helps you see that, I myself am not perfect. I don’t have everything all figured out. Life can be tough, but I am tough. You are tough. You have the ability to choose how you react friends, and so do I. There are still endless reasons to feel thankful. There are still a million and one ways in which we are blessed. Here’s to a year of challenging myself. Here’s to a year of finding peace within the uncontrollable. To the best of my ability. One step at a time.

-Mik <3